When my son was born in April 2017, I promised to develop into a full-time father till he turned 5. I used to be so severe about this dedication that I offered our largest rental property to unlock time. This property was imagined to be our crown jewel for my spouse and my retirement plans. Nevertheless, one thing needed to give.
When my daughter was born in December 2019, I made the identical promise to stay a full-time father till she turned 5. Hooray for equality! That point is quickly coming as she lastly begins full-time college in September 2024. As I anticipate the transition from full-time to part-time fatherhood, I needed to mirror on what it has been like being a full-time father for over seven years.
However first, some clarification on the distinction between being a full-time versus part-time father.
The Definitions of Full-Time versus Half-Time Fatherhood
To begin with, fathers will at all times be fathers, it doesn’t matter what. Nevertheless, identical to with work, some fathers work part-time, and others work full-time. There’s a spectrum of how we allocate our time to varied duties.
My definition of full-time fatherhood is when a father spends extra time caring for his kids than he does on his job or different actions. For instance, if a father spends 40 hours every week caring for his three-year-old and 20 hours every week driving for Uber after his son goes to sleep, he’s a full-time father. This father spends 60 hours every week between fatherhood and facet hustling.
Conversely, a part-time father is a dad who spends extra time on his job or different actions than on caring for his youngsters. He would possibly work 40 hours every week at an workplace job after which spend 2 hours along with his youngsters after work and 15 hours every week with them on the weekend, for a complete of 25 hours every week of kid time. That is an extended 65 hours every week of labor and childcare for this dad!
Each Varieties Of Fathers Can Be Nice
Based mostly on these two examples, it is clear each fathers are doing a variety of work to care for his or her kids and earn earnings. All fathers have what’s known as a Supplier’s Clock, the place they’re conditioned to offer to various levels.
It’s also clear that being a part-time father is just not a unfavorable. Most dads work full-time to care for their household. In the meantime, spending 25 hours every week with their kids is rather more than the common dad in America spends along with his kids every week (~10 hours).
Clearly, for those who’re a bodily and mentally ready father who does not work a lot and does not spend time together with your youngsters, that can in all probability be considered negatively. Nevertheless, I do not imagine any father studying this website would select to shirk each work and childcare duties.
Whenever you select to be a father, you additionally select to tackle the huge duty of fatherhood. On the very least, all fathers will select to go all-in on their work at the price of spending time with their youngsters, or go all-in on childcare at the price of creating wealth. Each choices could engender dad guilt as the daddy tries to search out a great steadiness.
Predominant Objective: To Give Males Permission To Be Full-Time Fathers
I do know there are males on the market who’ve thought of being full-time fathers however are nervous concerning the transition because of monetary worries and societal judgment. My aim is to offer males permission and confidence to be full-time fathers in the event that they wish to.
Simply take a look at this chart from the U.S. Census Bureau that exhibits solely about 2% of fathers are stay-at-home dads in comparison with about 23% of ladies who’re stay-at-home moms.
I am optimistic if fathers felt much less monetary stress to offer and society was extra accepting of full-time fathers, the proportion can be a lot nearer to the proportion of ladies who’re full-time moms.
Be Who You Need To Be To Really feel Entire
Instances are altering, with extra girls attending school than males and extra girls incomes larger salaries than males. But, partly due to the male ego, the variety of full-time fathers has barely budged since 1994. Males nonetheless really feel embarrassed to be labeled as having the toughest job on the earth.
This lack of self-confidence is why you see males who proclaim FIRE (Monetary Independence, Retire Early) however by no means point out their working wives who present earnings, retirement advantages, and well being advantages. There’s additionally an excellent worry of letting their wives cease working, given the monetary implications.
Pretending to be one thing you are not is a tragic option to stay. Having the ability to communicate your thoughts and be who you wish to be are a number of the strongest advantages of monetary independence. This freedom to stay one’s true self can be among the best causes for residing in San Francisco, the place there’s a better acceptance of individuals of every kind.
Reflections on Being a Full-Time Father
For any present or future fathers contemplating staying at residence to boost their youngsters, let me share some perspective on the way you would possibly really feel as a full-time father throughout the first three years of your kid’s life.
I exploit the three-year mark as a result of most households have the choice of sending their youngsters to preschool by then, though daycare can be a standard childcare possibility.
For many daycare facilities, infants can begin as younger as six weeks. Nevertheless, extra time permits for the institution of a safe attachment together with your youngster, full therapeutic of the umbilical wire, determining feeding and sleep patterns, growing a stronger immune system, and adjusting to a brand new life collectively.
1) There isn’t a more durable job than full-time parenthood
For those who’re a brand new dad, the challenges might be overwhelming. From bottle-feeding and diaper modifications to burping, napping, and fixed dishwashing, elevating a child retains you busy. The primary yr may additionally be sleep-deprived as your baby wakes up each two to 4 hours.
Once I labored in banking, the hours had been lengthy and the stress was immense. Nevertheless, there have been at all times breaks the place I might unwind over espresso, a meal, or a enterprise journey. Attending conferences abroad was a lot enjoyable! Regardless of working ~60 hours every week, that also left 108 hours to sleep and do no matter.
In full-time fatherhood, the hours can typically attain 12-14 hours a day, or 84-98 hours every week throughout the preliminary years. You’ll be able to attempt to nap when your baby is sleeping, however there is no such thing as a assure you can sleep.
In the meantime, the price of wanting away for greater than three seconds might end in harm or worse to your youngster. From the paranoia of Sudden Toddler Dying Syndrome (SIDS) to drowning to slipping and bashing their heads on a desk’s sharp edge, the stakes are a lot larger for a full-time mother or father if they don’t seem to be doing their job.
If I miss a telephone name from a big shopper, no large deal. I can at all times name my shopper again or electronic mail them. However there won’t be any means again for those who look away from a toddler.
Put together to your limits to be examined repeatedly
If you wish to be a full-time father, you could mentally and bodily put together for the last word problem. Learn as many books as you possibly can about parenthood. Study parenting strategies that require endurance, understanding, and love. Get in one of the best form of your life to maintain up together with your kids’s limitless power.
The primary three years will push you to your limits. We’re speaking probably 6 am – 9:30 pm virtually on daily basis. You’ll hear screaming, crying, and whining a number of occasions a day for over 1,000 days in a row. In consequence, your nerves will fry. Get noise-canceling headphones that will help you survive your days!
2) You should have a more durable time becoming in and feeling welcome
Whenever you take your baby to the playground on weekdays, you’ll doubtless be the one dad amongst a majority of mothers and nannies. Based mostly on my observations in San Francisco, roughly 40% of the first caregivers are mothers, 55% are nannies or au pairs, and 5% are dads.
When the ladies are chatting about feeding and and different childcare matters, you’ll doubtless not be included. Therefore, you’ll have to make an effort to get to know the opposite mothers, nannies, and au pairs for those who’re trying to make mates. As your child grows older, you may see them commonly because of weekly lessons. Therefore, it would be good to get to know them considerably.
For those who attend any Dad’s Night time Out occasions, you might also really feel embarrassed initially. Whereas different dads focus on their careers and enterprise journeys, speaking about your day together with your kids would possibly really feel awkward. Regardless of altering gender roles, there’s an ongoing machismo amongst dads which will make you are feeling uncomfortable.
You’ll be able to both lean into your full-time fatherhood position or point out different work endeavors you might be pursuing. As a father, you possibly can’t speak about taking part in pickleball all day, as some mothers proudly do. As a substitute, you could focus on some exercise that gives worth to society and earns cash.
Took some time to be snug proudly owning my standing as a stay-at-home dad
For me, as soon as my son began attending preschool full-time at age 4 in 2021, I informed individuals I used to be a author since I used to be engaged on Purchase This, Not That. I might have mentioned I used to be a full-time father, however I didn’t partly as a result of I needed to higher slot in. I additionally did not wish to make dads really feel awkward for being part-time fathers.
Fortunately, after a couple of yr of being a stay-at-home dad, your confidence will develop. As a substitute of feeling misplaced, you may embrace your position as a major caregiver extra strongly. As you wait to your confidence to develop, be pleased with your standing as a stay-at-home dad. Caring full-time for a susceptible baby is a noble factor to do.
3) You may lengthy to return to work for a break from full-time fatherhood
With no direct earnings coming in to your labor as a full-time father, you could really feel extra burdened at occasions, particularly in case your spouse does not earn a lot or does not work.
In consequence, you may regularly ask your self when it is best to return to work. You may do the mathematics concerning the price of daycare/preschool versus the price of not working in your profession.
The temptation to earn when you are nonetheless comparatively younger will doubtless overwhelm your want to stay a full-time father, so you’ll doubtless transition to part-time fatherhood as soon as your youngster turns three.
At three years previous, you could gleefully or reluctantly begin sending your child to preschool full-time. For those who solely have one youngster, you’ll then really feel a powerful duty to return to work and earn once more, even when your spouse is working.
Nevertheless, in case you have a number of kids, you’ll naturally wish to supply the identical quantity of childcare as you probably did to your first youngster, if potential. Therefore, with two kids, you could find yourself gutting it out as a full-time father for six years. With three kids, your full-time fatherhood position could prolong to 9 years.
After 9 years of being a full-time father, you should have a tough time going again to work that pays you an analogous wage to the one you left.
4) You’ll typically really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient as a full-time father
One of the crucial irritating issues about full-time fatherhood is that irrespective of how a lot you do, you’ll typically really feel such as you’re not doing sufficient. I am certain full-time moms really feel the identical means, as there’s an limitless quantity of offering to do.
For the primary two years of your kid’s life, you could really feel like second fiddle to their mom. This can be true irrespective of how a lot time you spend with them. There’s one thing about rising a toddler in your womb for 9 months and birthing a toddler that creates an unbreakable bond between mom and youngster.
You may really feel daggers in your coronary heart when your kids select to play with their mom over you. The extra time you spend together with your kids, the extra the rejection will damage.
Fortunately, after our children turned three-and-a-half, there was extra of a steadiness of affection. So for full-time fathers on the market who really feel unloved occasionally, preserve the religion that issues will get higher.
Your spouse or associate will not at all times really feel reduction or happiness
In your distinctive state of affairs as a full-time father, you could typically really feel such as you’re doing greater than your fair proportion of childcare in comparison with different fathers. In consequence, you would possibly count on your spouse or associate to really feel happier and fewer burdened than different moms.
Sadly, your spouse or associate will nonetheless really feel sad or burdened occasionally as a result of there are limitless childcare duties she additionally must deal with. If she additionally has a full-time job, her stress will persist because it’s exhausting to not deliver work residence. Her unhappiness and stress will bum you out since you hoped to alleviate her from such burdens as a full-time father.
Moreover, your spouse or associate could solely know what it is wish to have a full-time father as a husband or associate and nothing else. Due to this fact, she could not admire your efforts as a lot as you count on, resulting in mismatched expectations and potential battle.
Full-time fathers should decrease their expectations and remind themselves that being a father is a responsibility that does not deserve particular recognition. In spite of everything, they selected to be a father.
Extra importantly, full-time fathers could persistently overestimate how a lot they really do. This overestimation of care was my greatest blind spot as a father.
Regardless of being a stay-at-home dad, my spouse nonetheless does far more than I do. I’ve the luxurious of not having to deal with nights, which is a blessing as a result of our children are horrible sleepers. Once I wish to nap after lunch, I can, as a result of my spouse is at all times residence. Moreover, we had the large assist of Silvia, our au pair, throughout the pandemic.
5) Witnessing your kid’s milestones will make your efforts really feel price it
At this level, you would possibly suppose being a full-time father seems like an excessive amount of work. Fortunately, witnessing all of your kid’s growth milestones is the best return of all.
You’ll witness every thing out of your child’s first babble to their first rollover. Wonderful! Then, round eight months previous, you may be so proud when your youngster lastly sits up on their very own. At round ten months previous, nothing shall be as exhilarating as seeing your almost-toddler crawl to you for the primary time. After which, after they stand at across the one-year mark and begin cruising alongside the couch, you should have the largest proud dad second ever.
Every milestone you witness will erase your doubts about giving up your profession and earnings. After about ten classes of attempting to show my son the right way to bike, listening to him scream with pleasure, “I can do it!” was priceless. The quantity of satisfaction I felt seeing his triumph was price greater than any year-end bonus I made on Wall Road.
Now think about throughout bedtime when your youngster, out of the blue, says, “Thanks for spending the day with me, Daddy. I like you.” That is once you really feel a healthful sort of priceless love.
If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father, Strive It Out
Embracing the position of a full-time father comes with its fair proportion of challenges, however you may doubtless discover it a rewarding choice.
Sure, your loved ones will in all probability have much less cash with one much less working associate. Sure, additionally, you will lose standing and status given society sadly doesn’t fairly but respect male caretakers.
I gave up many earnings alternatives to remain at residence. We additionally acquired rejected from six out of seven preschools we utilized to. That was an enormous get up name to not fall too far down the standing ladder. On the similar time, I discovered methods to generate supplemental earnings by way of Monetary Samurai and write a WSJ bestselling ebook. You will see that a option to earn and develop if it is advisable to.
For older dad and mom, changing into a full-time father can be an effective way to make up for misplaced time. One among my greatest regrets was having youngsters late. By spending extra time with them earlier than they go away the home, you possibly can compensate to your late begin.
Someday round ages 10-12, you may now not be their superhero as they will choose to spend time with mates. Due to this fact, you’ve gotten about 10-12 years to be a full-time father earlier than this chance fades away.
If Full-Time Fatherhood Is Not For You
For those who determine throughout your journey that full-time fatherhood is just not for you, you possibly can at all times transition again to being a part-time father. Being away from the workforce for one to 3 years is not too lengthy, contemplating that many staff return to graduate college for 2 years and sometimes come again with higher-paying jobs.
This mindset additionally gave me the braveness to retire early in 2012 at 34. I reasoned that if early retirement did not go well with me or if I wanted the earnings, I might have simply discovered one other job at age 35, 36, or 37.
With the rise of consulting alternatives, you possibly can steadily shift extra of your waking hours towards work and fewer towards childcare as your kids get older.
As an illustration, as soon as my daughter began attending preschool three days every week in fall 2023, I devoted extra time to writing for Monetary Samurai and finishing my second ebook with Portfolio Penguin.
The Satisfaction That You Tried
Sadly, you might be unlikely to really feel happier as a full-time father because of the quantity of labor, stress, second-guessing, and endurance concerned! Nevertheless, as soon as your youngsters attend college full-time, you’ll really feel glad understanding you tried your finest.
As well as, how cool it’s that your spouse can by no means criticize you for not being there for the children or doing sufficient across the family for the remainder of your life! Whoo hoo!
Our kids will in the future go off on their very own, leaving us to ponder how shortly time flew by. Hopefully, in the future as adults, they will admire their childhoods and on a regular basis we spent with them. When that day comes, you may notice all of your effort was worthwhile.
My Transition To Half-Time Fatherhood
With my transition to part-time fatherhood in September 2024, I must fill the 40-hour void with extra productive work. Roughly 15 hours every week shall be devoted to writing for Monetary Samurai, and 5 hours shall be put aside for my sports activities hobbies, leaving me with 20 hours every week to generate lively earnings.
This lively earnings is essential to complement my passive funding earnings and canopy my shortfall in desired residing bills. It additionally serves to resume my sense of objective now that my fatherhood duties have lessened.
Earlier this yr, I experimented with part-time consulting, however it did not work out as deliberate. The workload exceeded the agreed-upon 20 hours per week. Nonetheless, this expertise has supplied me with priceless insights into what to hunt as soon as I’ve extra free time.
To all the boys on the market aspiring to be full-time fathers, give it a go! Don’t fret about societal judgments. In the end, comply with your coronary heart and pursue what holds true that means for you. Your youngsters will develop up sooner than you recognize!
Reader Questions About Fatherhood
Are there another full-time fathers on the market? For those who’re at the moment a part-time father, have you ever ever thought of transitioning to full-time fatherhood? What’s holding you again?
How do you reconcile the truth that by the point you would possibly wish to be a full-time father, your kids could already be in class full-time and extra inquisitive about spending time with mates?
Do you suppose there’s a greater hybrid method for fathers to steadiness childcare and earnings technology successfully?
Suggestion If You Need To Be A Full-Time Father
For those who’re trying to develop into a full-time father, attempt to get laid off with a severance bundle as an alternative of quitting your job. This manner, you may have a monetary runway to be a full-time father with out as a lot monetary anxiousness.
My bestselling ebook, How To Engineer Your Layoff, teaches you the right way to break away from a job you now not like with a severance bundle. Use the code “saveten” at checkout to avoid wasting $10.
To expedite your journey to monetary freedom, be part of over 60,000 others and subscribe to the free Monetary Samurai e-newsletter. Monetary Samurai is among the many largest independently-owned private finance web sites, established in 2009.
